Wednesday, 26 May 2004

The Lord moves in mysterious ways

And God said unto Fred: go to the Senate
By Malcolm Brown and Sean Nicholls
May 11, 2004
The Business of Prophecy
Yea, and the Lord saw the prophet Fred, and saw that his heart was sound and his mind was pure of any thought and the Lord saw too, that the Prophet Harradine was old and decrepit and his face was that of the ballsack of an ass. And the Lord saw that the prophet Gibson had not yet returned from the wasteland of the west, where his begetting was as that of a rabbit and that plastic dangly souvenir crap had him in its grasp.

And the Lord waited until the Prophet Fred was alone, and the Lord's words echoed off the porcelain tiles and the Lord said, "Fred, the prophet Harradine is old, and his face is as the ballsack of a farm animal, and his words are dry and dusty as of the dust of the road" and the prophet Fred said, "Uugh, Lord, UUUGH, your perception is clear and your words are the words of the Lord."

And the Lord thought that the mortal clay of man, fashioned into the shape of Fred, was perhaps not the greatest material that the Lord had ever had to work with, and the Lord waited and the Lord spoke again.

"Fred. FRED! Verily thou art the prophet of a loving God who talks for clarity as doth the elf from the Lord of the Rings an entertainment most popular amongst the elusive 14-23 age bracket that we wish to touch."

"Sorry, communicate with."

And the prophet Fred said that he had not seen that one as he had heard that it was Godless and filled with the lies of a pernicious and an evil Satan.

And the Lord said,

"Fred, the prophet Harradine is old, and stooped, and no longer inspires the people in his garb of sack cloth and ashes, and his face now resembles the wrinkled scrotum of an animal that lacks for a high protection sunscreen. His words are dry and dusty and are the words of an accountant of taxation and not the words of a soldier of righteousness."

"Fred. The Prophet Gibson has not yet returned to the country of Australia with his family of true believers to lead the land to the peace and joy of truly gritty and "in your face" MTV love where the V stands for violence and MT is just mighty. Verily, as the prophet Gandalf said, Fred, 'it shall not pass,' until my words are heeded."

And the prophet Fred saw that the Lord was right, and he raised up his eyes and he forgot his present business and he realised that he had allowed his business to interfere with the business of the Lord. And his hosannas echoed off the tiles as he raised his arms on high to the Lord. And his hosannas were mighty.

And the Lord said. "Fred. The prophet Harradine is as the ballsack of an ass, and the prophet Gibson is a seller of gimcrack and flapdoodle, in all of Australia, Fred, you are the last honest man."

And the prophet Fred was flattered and cheered and his heart was lifted and his seat was raised from his earthly throne. And the Lord said that Fred should calm down because Fred was just earthly clay and by "only" he meant "only available" and Fred was chastened and sat back down and the Lord was pleased.

And the Lord said.

"Fred, the prophet Harradine cannot live forever, as much perhaps as I would like him to. His face is wrinkled and is as the skin on the nads of a donkey, yet his iron claw holds firm the testicles of the Australian Upper House, and his legislating is as legislating that we have not seen since the Dark Ages. And indeed the Upper House shall be as dark as the space under an altar boy's cassock after the passing the prophet Harradine."

And the prophet Fred was moved that the Lord was talking to him as a man speaks, and the prophet Fred was taken up with his own thoughts, and thought deeply, in the porcelain room. And the Lord said.

"Fred, FRED! Calm down. Fred. I have chosen you, Fred, to be my soldier. Fred, I want you to stand firm and stand for a seat in the Upper House. Take my words Fred, and legislate as would the prophet Harradine. Your apprenticeship is done with. No longer should your small but doughty army march to stamp out sex shops and saucy videos, no longer must you pretend to be sick and wear your pyjamas to Parliament. You will be as the prophet Harradine of the flinty eye to whom all love excepting for the love of the Lord is alien."

And the Prophet Fred gasped. And the Lord said,

"Your army Fred, shall be the army of the Upper House where you shall rain down your wisdom upon the teeming mass of godless man. You shall become as the mouth of the Lord and the world shall love you, and fear you and thy word shall be law. And the law shall be the law of the Lord."

And the prophet Fred was moved with love for the Lord, and gasped as he felt the love of the Lord pass through him and he raised up has arms and he cried "Alleluia" as did he cry "Hosanna" and also "Kum by Yah" and his soul was lifted and his heart was glad, and the still waters were still no more.

And the Lord too was glad. And the Lord left to go back to heaven to tidy up for the arrival of the prophet Harradine, and the prophet Fred started ringing hack journalists, and the prophet Gibson continued right on doing whatever it is that the prophet Gibson does, For the will of the Lord is the will of the Lord.


Here endeth the lesson.

Alex Rieneck

via Hello Cruel World, at Eau de Nil

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